Don’t take it personal, but chances are you’re bad in bed. We’ve all been there, some more recently than others, but you can change that.
1. Remember, it’s not all about you
Now is not the time to focus solely on your pleasure. If you don’t take any other piece of advice, know this: If you’re only focused on what feels good to you, sex will only feel good for you. Throughout all of your sexual experiences, be sure that you and your partner are enjoying yourselves.
2. Communicate with confidence and without pressure
You should have an open dialog before, during and after sex. Before sex is when you should explore your boundaries and preferences. Whether its positions you and your partner dislike or prefer, or what they absolutely will not do, it’s better to get that all out-of-the-way early on. During sex, you should communicate about what feels good or doesn’t feel good and encourage your partner to do the same. Avoid any questions that sound like statements. If you start by asking “Does you like that?” it sounds like you’re looking for a “Yes”. That question should be phrased “Is this good for you?”. Post sex, don’t turn your communication into requests for reassurance i.e. “Was it good for you?”, instead, ask “Is there anything that you particularly liked or disliked that I did?”. Make sure that your partner doesn’t feel pressured to say yes to avoid bruising your ego.
3. Give her a head start
I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll do it again: the average man lasts somewhere between 2-10 minutes in bed and women last about twenty minutes in bed. To give your lady a head start, engage in AT LEAST ten minutes of foreplay. What foreplay means to you both is entirely up to you and your partner but try to put in at least ten minutes or more of foreplay.
4. Last longer
There are three ways to last longer in bed: the first is to desensitize your penis, the second is to gain greater control over your endurance by strengthening your Pubococcygeus muscle, and lastly, thinking about baseball. Let’s skip the last one since it’s self-explanatory, and focus on the other two. There is the natural way of desensitizing your penis a la the infamous There’s Something About Mary scene where Ben Stiller’s character masturbates before a big date. Alternatively, you can try using a desensitizing spray. Promescent is the only desensitizing spray I’ve ever used and it was definitely a great option. If you opt for a spray, make sure none of it gets on or in your partner’s genitalia. She will not be amused.
I highly recommend strengthening your Pubococcygeus (PC) muscle in addition to any desensitizing you might do. What’s a PC muscle you ask? It’s the muscle you use to stop peeing (it also contracts during orgasms). Strengthening your PC muscle will naturally help reduce the odds of premature ejaculation, plus has a bunch of other health benefits. The best exercise to strengthen the PC muscle are Kegels. Yes guys, I’m telling you to do Kegels, and you’re just going to have to accept that. Here’s why you should do Kegels and how to do them. You’ll thank me later.
5. Use the tools at hand
Most women simply cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. With that said, whatever you do, do not immediately target the clitoris. Because the clitoris has the highest concentration of nerve endings in the human body, more so than the glans penis, colloquially known as “the head” or “the tip” of the penis. The clitoris is incredibly sensitive which can be great if a woman is aroused, but can be painful if she is not. Go back to Tip #3, then when you move to penetrative sex, be sure that one way or another, her clitoris is being stimulated. Whether it’s manually, because of the position you’re in (woman on top being the best position for this) or using a vibrator (my suggestions for two of my favorite vibrators for couples are here and here). Fair warning, some women are so sensitive that clitoral stimulation using vibrators or your fingers may be painful even after arousal. Always ask if she has a preference for clitoral stimulation, hopefully in a more romantic way then how I’m describing it.
6. Don’t ask if she came
You know, I’m not going to give you guys crap for asking this question because sure, part of the reason men ask is because of ego, but another part of the reason guys ask is because we’re goal driven. There is a great feeling of accomplishment when your partner tells you they had an orgasm, but it doesn’t need to be the end all be all of sex. It’s possible that she never orgasms from penetrative sex, or she’s not comfortable enough with you, or she kept getting close and just barely missed an orgasm, or any number of reasons. Whatever the case, don’t make her feel pressured to orgasm, or more likely fake an orgasm, for your approval. You can always ask if she enjoyed it, but follow it up by asking for advice on how to make more enjoyable for her.
If you place on emphasis on meaningful communication, you’ll end up having sex that brings more enjoyment for you and your partner.
Remember kids, consent is sexy, not contracting STDs is sexier. Use condoms!
Good Luck Out There.