- To attract the people you want to date, you need to make yourself more desirable and datable. It may surprise you to know that doing this has less to do with changing how you look, and more to do with what traits you have. You’ve probably heard of the self-help book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, well today I wanted to go over The Seven Traits of Highly Datable People, or The A-G of Being Desirable:
- 1. Active Participation
- People choose to be with someone, whether they realize it or not, on a pretty active basis. My girlfriend disagrees with me on this point, but I stand by it. Every single day that you are with a partner, you are making a choice. Leaving your partner may be as hard as moving out, or breaking a legally binding or religious contract, but everyday you can make the choice to stay or go whether it’s an active choice or a passive choice.Aside from love, happiness, sense of commitment, and all the warm and fuzzies of why people stay together, what makes a partner desirable? Active participation. I’ve found that the happiest couples are often the ones who actively participate in their partner’s life, in one way or another. When someone complains that their partner doesn’t listen, doesn’t pay attention, or shows no interest in them in anyway outside of sex, you know that they’re probably headed toward a breakup. The same way that you choose to be with someone everyday, you choose to be an active part of their life. It could be as simple as asking about their day, or their hobbies, family, etc. or it could be doing the things they love together. Whatever it is that you actively choose to do, being a participant in your partner’s life will make you highly datable.
- 2. Benevolently Selfish
- To give your partner what they want, you need to make sure that you also get what you want. It’s okay to be selfish if you’re getting what you want and your partner is getting what they want. How can being selfish also be benevolent? Here’s an example: you’re dedicating all of yourself to your partner, it’s very likely that you’ll be so focused on your partner that you become unhappy or bitter. No one of any substance will want to be with a partner who is a toady, you want a partner who is an equal, who places emphasis on their pleasure AND their partner’s pleasure.
- 3. Continued Self-improvement
- Have you ever heard of a couple breaking up because they grew apart? More often than not, it’s because one partner continued to grow and develop, while the other remained stagnant. Don’t limit yourself by thinking of self-improvement as just going back to school, or getting fit, you can work on continued self-improvement by continuing to learn and grow in anyway that you feel comfortable. The emphasis should be on IMPROVEMENT and what improvement means to YOU. The knowledge you have today should not be the same knowledge you have in five , ten, or twenty years. Work on continuing to grow and learn and you’ll be a highly desirable person.
- 4. Diplomatic
- In relationships, no matter how serious they are, you’ll eventually come to a point where you disagree and resolving these disagreements requires tact and diplomacy . It’s okay to take pride in being right, but sometimes when you’re right you’re also wrong. I’ve learned that even if you are right, if you handle things tactlessly, you’re wrong. Being right or wrong may win you points in trivia, but it wont help you win points in your relationship. If you can handle things diplomatically, you’ll be easier to talk to, thus making any inevitable argument as painless as possible.
- 5. Empathic
- Empathy is absolutely necessary to establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship. Being able to relate to and understand your partner is crucial to eventually growing with them. If you can’t understand how your partner feels, or how you make your partner feel, you’ll have a hard time building a lasting relationship. I mentioned before that you need to be diplomatic and it’s incredibly hard to be diplomatic if you cannot or will not understand what another person is feeling from their point of view. I’m not saying that you need to give your partner complete leeway because you seek to understand them, just try to see things from their point of view before reacting. Being empathic will help you to understand your partner’s motives and make you a more caring partner who gives them what they need, whether emotionally, physically, or mentally.
6. Fairly Aggressive
People want to feel wanted, but not to the point where they feel smothered. Actively pursue your partner, and be aggressive about wanting to be with them, to a point. You should make your partner feel wanted by you, but not smothered by you. You should be aggressive in your pursuit and passion for your partner, but only to a point that they are comfortable with and feel comfortable reciprocating. Be aggressive, but only to the people who are interested in you and want to be pursued by you.
7. Goal Oriented
No one wants to date someone who has no motivation in life. It doesn’t matter what your goals are, just have a goal. If your goal is to live a leisurely life on a beach with little financial obligation, that’s fine. If your goal in life is marriage, kids, house, 2 cars, a white picket fence, that’s fine too. Your goals don’t have to be grand, it could be as simple as writing more, learning a new skill, reconnecting with friends, or anything else that requires some effort. People want partners who have some motivation in life besides basic human survival. Just remember, your own goals are fine, but if they don’t match up with your partner’s goals you might not be a good fit
Ask yourself this: Do I have these traits?
If you don’t, work on developing these traits to make yourself more datable. If you do, well, you don’t need my luck in finding someone amazing, they’ll eventually come to you.
Good Luck Out There.