How To Ask “What Are We” Without Sounding Crazy

Relationship Defining Talks (RDT) can be awkward, frustrating and painful OR easy and stress-free. Don’t believe me? Well here’s how to have a RDT and get what you want by being indifferent. “But Demetrius, being indifferent and passive wont get me what I want“. Think again:

1. If they avoid the talk, that’s your answer

First things first, if you need to  harass the person you’re dating into having the talk, that’s your answer. They’re enjoying the dating limbo too much to want to change it.  At this point tell them you want to move on. Do it casually and without any animosity. You’re past the point of discussion (just like they are).

2. Start an open discussion

People tend to feel a certain amount of dread about relationship defining talks. “We need to talk” sounds like Chopin’s Funeral March to some people. To combat that sentiment, keep it light. Just state that you’d like to know where they see things going, not that they have to go a certain way. Encourage dialogue, not demands.

3. Say what you want, Listen to what they want

If you want a committed, monogamous, long-term relationship that could maybe possibly lead to marriage and kids WAY down the line, Say It!  When your potential partner says what they want, Listen!

4. Don’t issue ultimatums

Look at their response to your “what do you want” question. Did it match up with what you want, or come close to it? If it does, that’s awesome. Congrats and best of luck! If you have a response to the effect of “We want different things” now is NOT the time to give them an ultimatum. You’re past the point of conversation and ultimatums. They told you want they want, so that’s your answer. Don’t tell them if this doesn’t change you’re going to leave, simply leave. That’s it. Game Over, they lost you.

5. Accept their response

This might sound way too passive for some of you but trust me, you need to learn to accept what people tell you. Go into your RDT knowing that they might not want something serious. If they don’t, and you do, move on. They aren’t being mean or hurtful, they just want different things. Learn to accept that, and move on. If they’re unwilling to give you a shot, they definitely wont be willing to work on a relationship with you.

How is this getting what you want? Do you want to be in a relationship with a willing partner? Of course you do! These tips will get you what you want, whether it’s with who you’re currently dating, or the person you meet because you dropped someone who felt lukewarm about a relationship with you.

Good Luck Out There.

photocredit: Mark Sebastian

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