I Need Texting Advice!

You want to text but you’re not all that good when it comes to texting. Don’t worry, it’s actually a pretty common problem. You can always email me directly to ask me questions but until then, here’s your chance to read some common texting questions and get my answers:

1. I met someone on a dating app, they gave me their number and we’re texting. How do I turn this into a date?

Don’t you just hate that weird limbo you fall into when you transition from dating app or dating site into hopefully a first date? The best way to transition is first, asking to meet. If they decline and it sounds like b.s., move on. If they agree, pick a place, time and date. It’s as simple as that.

2. Do some people not like texting people back or are they just not interested?

Hard to tell without reading the texts honestly. They could just not like texting (I hate texting unless I’ve been drinking) so if you really want to see if they’re interested, call them. Or just ask if they don’t like texting.

3. How much texting is too much?

It all depends on how responsive they are to your texting and how recently you met them. If they seem into your level of texting, it’s never too much.  If they don’t respond as quickly, or just seem disinterested you might be texting too much. If you haven’t met in person, slow down your texting so you actually have things to talk about in person.

4. What do I do when a texting conversation goes cold?

It all depends on why it’s gone cold. Are your conversation topics stale or are they not interested in texting you anymore. My advice is don’t address the cold texting over text and wait awhile to send a text. Arrange a meet up if you’re currently dating and just ask them if they’ve been busy lately. Don’t ask directly about the texting, just check up on them. Don’t make their coldness about you, just be genuinely curious about them. They might be going through a rough time, or they could just be losing interest in texting as much.

5. I’m tired of texting so much. How can I bring it up without offending my partner?

The easiest way to do this is to tell them why you have an issue with texting so much. Whether it’s frequency, amount of texts, or whatever the issue. If it’s a matter of exhausting topics to discuss in person, say that. Whatever the reason is, just put it out there in a way that isn’t specific to them. Avoid language that sounds like “I don’t like texting YOU” and use language similar to “I don’t like texting a lot because {insert reason}. I’d much prefer to save these types of conversations for a face-to-face chat. The key is being honest, with tact.

6.  I go on great first dates, but my follow-up over texts hasn’t been leading to second dates. Help!

First ask yourself if you’re 100% sure that you’re going on good first dates. If you think you are, then yes, let’s figure out what to text after a first date. People often say that they want an idealized sort of romance with grand gestures but the reality is, people want romantic gesture proportionate to their connection to a person. While 50 years ago showing  ago showing up for a date with roses may have been the height of romance, most people would be a bit weirded out if you showed up for your tinder date with a bouquet of a dozen roses. It’s just not the way to do things these days. So with that said, you also need to understand that your words can be just as helpful or harmful as a dozen roses, depending on the situation. If you give your long-term partner a dozen roses out of the blue, they’ll more than likely be happy to receive them. Alternatively, if you told your long-term partner that you can’t stop thinking about them, and can’t wait to see them, you’re likely to engender the same feelings of happiness. Now, picture giving a dozen roses or saying those same words to someone you’ve met once, or twice, or gone out with once or twice. It’s not likely that you’ll get the same response, right? So, if you’re texting overly fawning texts to someone after a first date, slow it down. Here’s your follow-up text for after every great first date:

“Hey, I had a really great time last night. I’d love to take you out again. Let me know when you’re available on {whichever the next date-appropriate day is }”

Why this works is simple. You’re asking them for their time, not telling them when to make themself available. You also are very clear about your happiness with the date, but not getting overly romantic with a stranger. Once you come together with a plan, text pleasantries but remember that they aren’t your partner yet, so you don’t need to check in with them every day or night. Give them space to breath.

7. They stopped texting after several promising dates. Why?

Well I hate to break it to you but attraction is a very fickle thing. Some people think of attraction as one thing but I subscribe to the philosophy of the Pie Chart of Love. Maybe they realized, whether consciously or  subconsciously, that you don’t have enough of the attraction needed to keep them interested. Just because you used to “click” or you should be attracted to each other doesn’t mean it will always work out that way. Unless you’re texting insults or vulgarity, it wasn’t the texting itself that made them lose interest so don’t worry.

8. What are some basic rules about texting?

Don’t sext anyone who you’re not exclusive with. Avoid sending naked pictures as phones can get stolen/lost/hacked/your partner becomes vindictive. Keep texting conversations light unless absolutely necessary. Don’t have arguments over text. If you’re in a relationship, don’t break up over text. Send your texts in as concisely a manner as possible. If you send six sentence long texts in a row, try sending one paragraph instead. Be understanding if people don’t reply immediately. Be aware of whether or not people actually have free texting. If they don’t, don’t text them anything that can be discussed over the phone.

9. My partner is texting flirty things to other people. What do I do?

Check them on it. Whether you think it’s cheating or not, call them out on it and tell them it bothers you. It’s okay for your partner to have playful banter with friends that are the sex they’re attracted to, but if they’re texting things that are explicitly flirty, confront them immediately.

10. How do I give someone the space they need, but remain in contact via text.

Whenever anyone asks for space, be sure to take their lead when it comes to text (as well as calling, wanting to hang out, and so on). Early on tell them that you respect their need for space and want to see them or talk to them at any time, but are giving them space until they say otherwise. When it comes to texting, respond when they text you but don’t initiate texting. You can text on milestones (birthdays, big life events, holidays you both may celebrate) but avoid sending them every day greetings.

Okay folks, I hope that answers some of your common dating questions but if not, you can as I mentioned above, email me your questions. It’s completely anonymous.

Good Luck Out There.

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