So I’ve talked before about not going on bad dates on purpose and how being the person you’d want to date really are some of the keys to meeting someone that clicks with you. The main driver behind not going on bad dates is knowing what your deal breakers are.
You’re already pretty cognizant of who you are as a person and you think you’ve got a handle on what your dealbreakers might be. I don’t doubt that you know what bothers you, I just think that a lot of people can’t tell the difference between a deal breaker and a pet peeve.
Figuring out what you cannot deal with and what just annoys you can save you a lot of time.
Most dealbreakers fall into these categories:
- Conflicting relationship desires
First lets start with a really simple question: What do you want?
Now be honest. Don’t waste your own time, just own what you want. If you only want a no-strings relationship you need to accept that and not judge yourself.
We don’t all want the marriage, 1.5 kids and the picket fence and there is nothing wrong with that.
This should be your very first deal breaker: What does the other person want out of a potential partner? If your wants conflict that is definitely a deal breaker.
Next, you need to consider your 12 attributes and your 12 desired qualities in a mate (Check out “Be the Person you’d Date” if you’re confused about the 12/12).
Right off the bat you have some deal breakers that probably wont change, namely:
There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that Religion is important, even if it is more culturally significant than spiritually significant for you.
I know when I’m on OkCupid and I come across someone who is a great match but she indicates that she is Jewish and it’s very important, she’s less likely to date me. Same goes for conservative girls with babies. You get what I mean.
Next is Space (or Proximity). Unless you want to see someone once a month you’ll probably be dissatisfied with a long term relationship. Same goes with a 3 hour commute. If the only feasible way to date is one day a week after a 6 round trip you should know it’s OK to say that’s a deal breaker.
You can lump Time in with proximity. Relationships, no matter their nature, require seeing each other. You aren’t pen pals after all.
Same goes for their Career (or lack thereof). Certain types of jobs are held by certain personality types, for the most part. If you’re a type A entrepeneur I doubt you’ll mesh well with the Type B self involved slacker who has an artisanal mustard company.
Do I need to tell you that dating self-centered, self-involved person is probably a bad idea?
But really you can tell what a potential deal breaker is by asking: Is this trait the extreme opposite of one of my traits?
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that if you’re a nester and you’re dating a bad boy who is commitment phobic things wont end well.
The difference between a deal breaker and a pet peeve is your reaction to it.
Here’s an example: I was dating a girl and we hardly ever hung out in Brooklyn where I live. She lived in Astoria and the commute from her place to my job was easier for me. What annoyed me was that we only really ever hung out in Astoria on weekdays but it wasn’t that big of a deal. Pet Peeve
Deal Breaker: She didn’t believe in love.
Good Luck out there